What Am I Doing Wrong?
Has this ever happened to you?
You develop friendships over time, always adding to the “good-will” bank, only to have the relationship go belly-up without knowing why? You consciously give more than you take. I don’t mean in some victim/doormat kind of way and not in a smothering way either. Just good relationship maintenance. I don’t understand if this is an ADHD thing or some social deficiency on my part.
I consider myself to have “thick-skin”, but I have my limits. When I reach out to those I have come to know and respect, to those who have expressed their admiration and appreciation for what I do, and make what I perceive to be a simple offer of value and get no response, I am left scratching my head. I have gotten slapped with several of these in the past few weeks and I just don’t get it.
I am not being presumptuous – I do not assume that anyone owes me anything. It’s just a matter of simple courtesy amongst friends.
As I consider what the lack of response means, I look inward. Have I so mis-judged the relationship? Was my behaviour out of line?
Eventually, I look back over my life and see other times where similar things have happened. Close friends of over 30 years who can’t return a call? What am I missing?
We have evolved from a time when a “community” was the handful of families that surrounded some central place, such as a church or other spiritual place or the local inn. People relied on each other for support, protection and companionship. Now that our local community can mean thousands of people we don’t know, have we lost the ability to treat each other with due courtesy and mutual respect?
Sadly, I’m starting to think so. Worse yet, each time it makes it that much harder to reach out. I just wish I could say I understand.
(After writing this, my concerns were found to be justified. An individual who had been a past supporter and commenter at the old blog, had taken a private conversation and went out of her way to use it against me. It was a violation of trust and I had held this person in a higher regard. When will I learn?
Building something great takes tremendous resources and efforts. Taking something down or attacking something is easy. Cut down a tree? Anyone can do it. Plant a seed and nurture it into a towering oak takes skill, care and patience, applied over time.)
Chris,
I can truly understand where you are coming from and that at times it can be very difficult to understand people’s behavior or the feelings they demonstrate. I have learned through similar instances like the one you have encountered that it is impossible to find an answer or expect open honesty from anyone including those whom we hold in high regard.
I leave you with this thought…you have created this wonderful domain where people can receive support, knowledge, understanding as well as share their high’s and low’s with respect to ADHD. What they choose to do with the information they gather is entirely up to them. Many times people feel threatned by the knowledge and information they receive. The reason being is because once they get the information and read the success many of us are blessed to have experienced, then they know that they may actually have to put forth effort into making some changes in their own personal journey of living with ADHD. It is not always easy to understand us ADHDers. Change for many is impossible! Knowledge gives many the power to make changes and to others it is a weapon that simply rattles their cage and creates frustration causing people to distance themselves from those who can actually be helpful and supportive. In some cases some people just are not happy when others find personal fulfillment.
For what its worth, you have an amazing gift and you are planting seeds in the lives of people many of whom you have not even met. Some that may not have even left a comment on your blog but whose lives you have enhanced and changed for the better. Your oak tower will grow, believe me it will and your kindness will harvest fruits. I stand as a firm believer that unconditional love of mankind ( the good and the bad people) will give you the fuel to overcome the disappointments some people will cause you along the way. I am not saying it won’t zing at times. If we don’t share the success of how we as humans overcome adversity then the our journey might be perceived as in vain. It is the sharing of the triumphs and setbacks of the journey that paves the road for the rest of the journey.
Peace to you and may your day radiate with sunshine and glory!
Mary’s right. She said it eloquently. It’s not you. It’s them. I’ve seen this happen in my son’s life already, and it’s baffling to him, and it hurts me to see him hurt. He, as an ADD adult, is so “out there”, with his whole being. The people who appreciate him REALLY appreciate him and stick by him, and the people who are just passing through, so-to-speak, just sort of shine him on. He expects his overtures of friendship to be returned every time. It confuses him when they’re not.
I’m like that to a point, but I’m older, have seen more, and don’t invest as much of myself anymore right off the bat. C DOES have the luxury of being able to say he already, at 26, has more than 10 dear, dear friends, who will most likely be friends for life. I’m lucky that way too, as was my dad, with whom Caleb shared a birthday.
Chris, keep doing what you’re doing!
Yeah, this is definitely hard. Relationships and friendships are. I hold my friends and family in a special place, but it sometimes happens where I just don’t end up feeling the relationship is reciprocated. I often ask if it’s me or them? I’m lucky that I have a few very close friends, so I know I can’t be all bad.
My problem is when I’m being the unresponsive one. I’m not the best at reaching out and staying in touch with people. I try, and have made progress, but I worry sometimes that others think I’m the one snubbing them, when it’s really just that I’m bad at staying in touch.
Yep it quite probably them, not you. Remember there is a tribe of people who — for one reason or another — find it hard to interact in “real time”. The issue is not disinterest but rather tardiness. Many of us would be comfortable in the 18th century, a time when a written reply could take weeks to reach its destination!
Of course we expect a prompt response to our overtures!
BTW Did you ever read Vonnegut’s ‘Sirens of Titan’? Great punchline!